Last night at the Full Moon Tea Party, we each told what we wanted to give up to the Moon. My answer? Heaviness. Yes, the extra weight I carry from having my babies, but even more the unresolved emotional baggage I lug around, like we all do.
I’ve been thinking a lot this month about the energetic healing I experienced before my final pregnancy. I felt my baby’s spirit waiting for me, patiently, for years before she arrived Earth-side. After my second pregnancy, I was terrified to do it again because of how sick I get. But I knew it would be the biggest regret of my life if I didn’t. The theme of my journey to meet her became joy over fear.
Having a safe place to work through fears was an instrumental gateway. In 2015, I started holistic energy sessions with a well-known healer in my community named Gail. At each visit, we talked about whatever issues were coming up at the time. With compassion and love, Gail supported my own process through guided questions, checking in with my energy field and gentle energetic bodywork to help balance my chakras. She is wonderful, and I’ve shared her information at the bottom of this post in case anyone is interested.
During that difficult housebound summer while my body adjusted to pregnancy, I loved seeing hummingbirds occasionally visit the trumpet flowers dotting our patio pergola. This was incredibly meaningful and buoyed me up every time. Hummingbird symbolizes joy and had already been sending me messages while I grew brave enough to try again.
As I started to gradually improve, I saw my hummingbird friend a dozen times on one particularly memorable day. Sometimes he or she would rest on a branch and look in at me or even fly up to hover at the window. It felt like a clear message to take heart because JOY was with me (always had been) and the hardest phase was finally almost over.
True to form, my daughter gave me multiple opportunities to choose joy over fear throughout the rest of my pregnancy, her birth and her infancy. She brings my family sunshine every day just by being herself and is undoubtedly worth every hard second I ever endured. Upon meeting her at a few months old, Gail even called her a little hummingbird, which was such fun synchronicity.
So, anyway, I’d already been thinking about all of this and re-exploring the idea of joy over fear. Then some old wounds got triggered in the days leading up to the full moon. I found myself wanting to transmute the hurt/sadness/despair/fear but not knowing quite what it needed for healing instead of re-burying.
I don't mean to sound melodramatic, nothing especially awful happened to me this week. When the intensity of an emotional reaction exceeds the trigger, it usually means a much deeper, larger issue is surfacing for healing, likely involving earlier life experiences, ancestral memories or past lives, you know what I mean? (Thanks, Mom, for helping me understand this!)
After the tea party, I had to stay up late working. Before going to bed, I decided to step outside and talk to Grand-Mama Moon, a little before midnight. And then I had the craziest experience I’ve ever had with my eyes wide open.
I stood on the wet grass totally entranced, perfect view through my trees, and asked the Moon to help me release my heaviness and change the story. While I stared at her, I suddenly started SEEING energy waves pulsing out from her in all kinds of patterns, like starbursts and snowflakes and shifting into different shimmery colors—hints of green or blue or pink. I could see a faint rainbow outline all around her in the sky some distance from her edge. At some points I could also see a clear energetic circle around the actual Moon that also seemed rainbow shimmery.
The Moon seemed to be shifting places, like I could perceive her go side to side or rise higher. It was most intense when I stared unblinking so I tried to just blink and see what happened, to check if I was making it up, but then every time I blinked I could see something new—a huge torch of moonlight that cascaded down to the Earth, like a long skinny triangle that shot down again and again and again.
I really saw the Woman in the Moon more clearly than ever before. It felt like she was blowing me a kiss. And at some point I could see faintly dark shapes that shifted as the light came through—it didn't feel scary, more like change. It mostly felt surreal, like time had stopped or sped up or I don’t know what. All I could do was say thank you and hope I soaked up as much of that delicious light as possible.
Then today I had a highly emotional conversation around what had been surfacing. It was hard but ultimately very healing and opened a new way forward. It wasn’t until later that I connected this breakthrough with all the Moon magic from last night.
By allowing me to actually see the glorious and expanding light she's shining upon ALL OF US and experience such JOY, the Moon helped open pathways inside me for love and forgiveness to flow and heal. This was a balm to my deeper wounds. It enabled me to have that conversation with more compassion for myself and the other person and a greater ability to own and apologize for my own choices in the situation. And I do feel lighter in my spirit!
Thank you, Grand-Mama Moon.
I know there are so many people hurting in the world right now, so much pain and so much fear, and so many experiences that are heartbreaking and unconscionable and shocking. Not to mention repeated, ongoing and deep. I also know that my personal experiences of hardship in this lifetime pale in comparison, but I wanted to share these instances where I’ve made choices, received loving support and witnessed a true shift. Maybe something in them will resonate with you on your own path.
I have nothing but compassion and a desire for change, to see a new world created with a blueprint of love. I don’t have all the answers on the mechanics of how we do that. Each of us gets to decide what role we will play and what our purpose is. I don’t know yours, and you don’t know mine, and they might look different from each other. (Which is great because it will take all kinds to create the NEW.)
When faced with overwhelming situations that make me feel powerless and weighed down, I’m learning the best place to start is inside. Each of us is actually very powerful, in charge of our own consciousness and hard-wired to access loving support and guidance from the universe. We only need to ask and pay attention and receive them—the answers are available inside us, even if they aren't initially what we thought we wanted or needed.
It's not selfish to turn away from everything external and take this time for yourself. Every time one of us heals, it helps to heal the collective consciousness. And it shuts down that particular pain cycle from perpetuating in your own interactions. When I’m not acting out of my own pain and fear, it’s easier to act from a place of love, and isn’t love the only answer that makes any sense?
(I almost forgot. I saw my first hummingbird on the trumpet flowers tonight while this post percolated. Find JOY wherever you can!)