I’ve been thinking about the intersection of responsibility and following your heart—trusting yourself and the Universe. During the last while, I’ve been finding myself in situations that feel nearly impossible. Not only work projects and stress, but also adulting and parenting generally.
Of course, this juggling act is nothing new, and I’m sure many of you can relate. As I look back over the years since I became a mom, I’m grateful my approach to the busyness has changed.
I’m much more intentional now in deciding whether to take on certain commitments in the first place and how to fulfill them. I strive to tune in and follow the flow of what feels like the next step, instead of just powering through. This has meant more meditating, resting, trusting. When I act from this place, it’s easier. I really notice the contrast when I fall back into old patterns. No doubt you’ve experienced that difference, too.
Nonetheless, I didn’t understand until recently that I still held pockets of fear around trusting that this approach is always for my highest good. Some of my commitments and responsibilities are time-sensitive and require enormous mental energy and effort. It can feel like a marathon right before the deadline, especially when babies don’t sleep, kids get sick, kitchen pipes freeze, etc.
Utterly overwhelmed one night last week, my adrenaline and survival mode instincts kicked in and carried me to the finish line (well, a check point, rather) somewhere around 2:30 AM. Of course, those biological responses serve a purpose. But I used to LIVE there, especially around certain tasks. I don’t want to move back in. I’ve outgrown that house, and it felt draining and exhausting just to visit. But what’s the solution?
A few days later I found myself facing a similar situation. I could not stop crying about anything and everything. Although my current oracle deck project has been more or less paused, I was inspired in the midst of this emotional meltdown to pull one of my placeholder note cards.
[This deck is based on wisdom I’ve been receiving from a Pleiadian star being since last year. He is brilliant and has a wonderful way of explaining things. I cannot wait to share more of his insights with you all when the deck is done.]
Well, that day I drew the ADVENTURE card. At first I couldn’t find my notes and berated myself for not honoring their sacredness (to me). But then I realized I could simply ask him again. I felt him say, “Adventure is a seamless journey into the unknown.” What struck me most was the word “seamless” because it carries the energy of continuous flow. Adventure is not relegated to a knee-jerk-reaction, abandon-ship, run-away-escape-from-your-life (which I surely contemplated that day).
I loved how beautifully this dovetailed with my notes from our first discussion on Adventure once I found them. They were in my notebook all along, and I don’t think it was a coincidence I missed them the first time. Here’s what he told me.
Adventure is a journey in your heart. It takes you to forgotten crevasses, valleys, nooks, peaks. Everything is inside you. All the answers you seek. Adventure leads you to the answer that you seek in that moment. Adventure is seeing where the wind takes you, The wind symbolizes the current of energy you are on.
Q: Is adventure an active choice we make to explore something new or a seemingly passive act of surrendering to the trajectory we’re already on?
Neither. It is the joining of (1) your intention to learn and go along with the flow to (2) the energy current you are already participating in.
Q: But what if the energy current we’re participating in is not a good one? Don’t we need to correct course first?
There is no good or bad.** To seek true understanding requires relinquishing fear that you are on the “wrong” path. There is no path, only energy flowing back, through, in and around itself. All leads to the same conclusion: All is one. All are connected. All are Source.
What I am concerned with helping you understand is the spirit of adventure. It is an attitude of no fear and willingness to learn from where the energy current flows without trying to control it.
Q: So, who is in charge?
No one. Embrace the unknown, and you will be on your way.
Revisiting this exchange really helped me that day, I was able to move forward in part. But, to be honest, I still felt heavy.
The real lightening didn’t happen until I processed out loud that night with someone I trust. Finally, all the pieces clicked together. I realized the ultimate fear underneath all that weight—the #1 reason why I felt so drained and disconsolate from having to marathon to uphold my commitments—was that I believed on a very deep level it was totally my fault. That I put myself into those situations by making bad decisions to commit in the first place and then taking time to meditate or relax instead of doing something “responsible” with every minute of my day. That it was wrong of me to follow my heart and that it led me astray. No wonder I felt so bereft.
But as my wise confidante reminded me, one of the deepest fears in our collective consciousness is whether we can trust the Universe, whether we can trust that we are safe, that everything will work out and that all is well.
I’m still integrating this experience. Yet I can honestly report that the shifts in how I’m experiencing my daily life are real. The very next day brought another seemingly insurmountable task. From the outside, you’d have thought I was marathoning again. And, in some respects, I suppose I was.
But it felt completely different.
Removing my own self-judgment and fears from the equation made an enormous difference. It is such a relief to remember OH, YES, I CAN TRUST MYSELF AFTER ALL. In any given moment, I only need check in and then take the next step. I don’t have to figure out how everything will go because I can trust it will go well if I follow my heart. And that it will be a real adventure!
A COUPLE CLARIFICATIONS:
Some of the concepts and phrases I used get bandied about as hollow platitudes, to bypass suffering, or to excuse doing harm and dehumanizing others. Just to be clear, I expressly disassociate from those uses. I don’t have better vocabulary to express concepts that I believe are true and real based on my own heart perspective. I’d encourage you to feel into them from your own. (Of course, all I can offer is my own experiences and what I receive. I absolutely 100% encourage you to only take what resonates and leave the rest.)
** (“There is no good or bad.”) I debated whether to include this part at first. I could see it being misunderstood as appearing to sanction harming others. That’s not what my star friend is saying. Keep in mind this exchange is from my ongoing conversation with him about what it means to exist as love, to remember who you really are and that we are all one. To me, in this context, he’s referring to the absence of an external force judging us or condemning us.